Give the gift of listening this Christmas with these 4 top tips!

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” ~ Ralph G. Nichols

Listening is the best gift; it is an act of generosity. Listeners share their time, their presence, and their mind and heart. In times of challenge, listening might just be the thing that we need to bridge the gap, rebalance the conversation, and to remind us of our human connection.

Being part of a conversation does not mean we need to talk; listening is the more important part of communication. Research shows that how well we listen has a major impact on our success at work and the quality of our relationships with others.

We listen for a number of reasons: to hear information, to learn, for enjoyment and to understand. Given that we listen all the time you’d think we’d be pretty good at it...in short, we’re not. Research suggests that we don’t listen well, in fact often we are preparing a response to what is being said and not actively listening at all.

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." ~ Stephen R. Covey

The way to develop our gift of listening is to practice ‘active listening’. This is where we demonstrate a conscious effort not only to hear the words but the complete message being communicated. When we actively listen, we improve our productivity, our ability to influence as well as avoid misunderstanding. Not only that, but active listening also enables us to connect with others improving the quality of our relationships.

If listening is so brilliant why are we not good at it? Like any skill it is not easy and it takes some practice. In a world that cannot stop talking, less of us are choosing to listen. It has always surprised me that we don’t teach children how to listen. After all, we spend a lot of time telling our pupils to ‘listen up!’ and ‘pay attention’.

Luckily, there are four simple techniques that we can practice and teach to improve the quality of our active listening.

1. Limit distractions. Be fully present. Pay attention.

This may sound obvious but there are so many distractions not only those externally such as technology but also the distraction of our own internal chatter. To be present, put your focus on the person, take note of their tone of voice and body language; tune in to them fully.

"The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said" ~ Peter Drucker

2. Check your listening skills. Provide accurate feedback.

Asking questions and reflecting back a conversation, not only demonstrates that you have listened but it also ensures you haven’t made assumptions. “Let me see whether I heard you correctly…”, is an easy way to clarify any confusion.

Often our personal filters and judgements can distort what we hear. Reflecting back can be done easily by paraphrasing or summarising: “what I am hearing is….”, “sounds like you are thinking….”, “So in essence what I have heard is….”. Questioning what has been said and asking for clarity by asking open questions that start with ‘What’ and ‘How’ can also support our understanding as a listener. Checking in with the speaker by asking...What are you noticing about that? or How is that impacting on you? can create much better understanding for you the listener and greater depth of thinking for the speaker.

3. Be okay with silence.

You don’t have to always reply or have a comment. This can be a challenge, especially for teachers, as the average teacher only waits 0.7 and 1.4 seconds after asking a question to get a response (Stahl, 1994). Increasing the space after a question allows the speaker much longer to formulate their thinking. A break in a conversation can also give the listener the chance to refocus their attention on what has been said and slow their own thinking and response.

4. Respond appropriately.

Active listening encourages respect and understanding. It is important to remember that our listening is to help us gain information, see others’ perspectives and learn. We will add nothing to our listening skills if we are reacting to the speaker. We need to remove the emotion from the intention. Take a moment to look beyond what is actually said to what the speaker is really trying to say. Are they really angry at you/trying to annoy or upset you? Often we can personalise what we hear to make sense of it. Depersonalising a conversation can allow us to be much more objective and help the speaker more effectively with the issue in hand.

Good listeners may often challenge assumptions and disagree. The difference is that the greatest listeners make the speaker feel that they are trying to help, not trying to win the conversation. This means they are able to challenge directly while caring personally.

An HBR article from Zengber/Folman in 2016 likens good listeners to being like a trampoline. 'Active listening isn’t like being a sponge that accurately absorbs what the other person is saying. Instead, active listeners are people you can bounce ideas off and rather than absorbing your ideas and energy, they amplify, energise, and clarify your thinking. They make you feel better not merely passively absorbing, but by actively supporting.' Ultimately the gift of listening makes the receiver feel good.

Active listening, like any skill, diminishes if not regularly practiced. While some may have more natural ability and others may have to try harder, everyone benefits from the effort. The more people you listen to, the more aspects of humanness and compassion you will recognise and the better your judgements and instincts. We are what we pay attention to. To not listen will limit us and stop us from becoming the best we can be.

So, it’s time to take active steps and give yourself and others the gift of listening.

If you want develop your listening skills, why not attend our ilm approved 'Advanced Coaching Programme' 3 day training event: https://www.thethinkingacademy.co.uk/events

Or if you need someone to listen to you, feel free to book in a 30-minute complimentary coaching session with me. Just drop me a line.